Blue Christmas

Rev. Rali M. Weaver

First Church and Parish in Dedham

I feel like such a hypocrite sometimes. I stood up here just four days ago and preached to the audience on Christmas Eve about Peace on Earth and Goodwill toward all. And then I got in my car and drove to my sister’s house to celebrate Christmas.

As some of you know my younger Sister is a Fundamentalist Christian.

She believes in a very literal understanding of the bible.

My older sister does not attend church at all.

Now growing up in the same family, under the same tutelage of the same generous mother. you might not think this would have a very big impact on how we celebrate Christmas. We have the same Christmas memories. And yet as we grow older the way we want to celebrate Christmas and the way we open our hearts at this season has changed.

To begin with in early November my older sister sent out an email saying that she did not want to exchange gifts this year.

Gift exchanging has always been a source of stress at Christmas because as my younger sister has continued to procreate (and is currently pregnant with her 9^th) the numbers of people we have to buy for in our family has become unmanageable. So my older sister has responded by not wanting to exchange gifts at all.

My younger sister on the other hand has determined (quite correctly) that Jesus couldn’t have been born in December and so because she does not see Christmas as the true season of Jesus’ birth, she celebrates in a very haphazard and almost casual way. Going to her house with all the children --there were no stockings and no tree and the whole affair seemed so casual it was hard to find any evidence of Christmas at all.

I bring this up to illustrate my own hypocrisy - because all December I have been writing about simplifying Christmas I must confess when I was confronted with my sisters’ ideas of what would make Christmas simple, I was, quite disappointed.

“Christmas”, I thought, “is supposed to at least use the nice dishes. We are at least supposed to eat something more exciting than pizza. And if there is no tree and no stockings where do we put the presents? There have to be presents!”

I tried to keep an open mind and I went (with my Father) to my younger sister’s house and celebrated Christmas Day with her family. My older Sister, did not want to go and so the day after Christmas my Father and I celebrated a mostly gift less Chinese dinner with her.

As I reflected upon the disconnect of what my both of my sister’s and I experienced growing up and what they believe is a fitting Christmas Celebration I realize that part of the problem is that while we have come up with different answers to the same question, what both of my sisters and I want to celebrate at Christmas is influenced by how we experienced Christmas as Children.

What I remembered as I drove back from CT yesterday was that for all the wonderful smells and bells and whistles of our Christmas’ growing up; there was a lot of drama. In fact when asked at 13 in my church youth group, what our family traditions were, I could only identify “arguing” as the common thread in our Christmas Celebrations.

Each year my Mother’s Mother (my Grandmother) would come to visit from Arkansas and the preparations were endless. There were cookies to bake and a big house to decorate, there was the real fruitcake soaked for months in brandy and peanut brittle. There were fancy dishes and silver for dinner and homemade Christmas presents to finish. And each year there would be big projects that were a struggle to finish into the midnight hours. And so with my mother and grandmother so tired by the time Christmas Day arrived tempers would naturally flare and someone or others feelings would be hurt and as I saw it at 13 arguing was the one tradition we could count on.

I suppose I could have also said that my personal tradition was throwing up. As the middle child and the self appointed peacemaker in the family I responded to these stressors by throwing up- every- single -Christmas.

Thankfully I have outgrown that habit but what my nervous stomach has reminded me is that the stress of Christmas Past has unconsciously affected how we all strive to celebrate Christmas Present in some way or another.

In order to remedy these memories my younger Sister has taken a casual approach to reduce stress at Christmas. My older sister has taken a hands-off approach to reduce stress at Christmas and I have striven for many years to recreate Christmas in the manner of my Mother, without overworking or stressing out.

The tension we now feel at Christmas has more to do with the disconnect between our expectations and different desires.

I tell you this story this Sunday after Christmas to illustrate another example of differing expectations described in David Sedaris’ Christmas story and what I think often leads to depression and anxiety at this time of year.

For most of the year I believe it is somewhat easy to keep our minds on the present moment and alleviate much of the stress we might feel every day. The problem at Christmas and New Year’s is that because we are constantly reminded of the past, the desires to make this year better or to recreate some divine past Christmas or New Year’s is strong. And I imagine there are many of us who just feel trapped by the endless cycle of doing that the holidays produce. Looking forward to making something better and looking back to recreate what has passed and even feeling trapped in the present -keeps us from enjoying what is here and now.

And because these holidays come with similar lights and whistles each year it is easy to hearken back to old times and feelings and desires and loose sight of what is in the present.

Even with the fighting and my own anxiety it would be impossible for me not to long for my Mother and Grandmother who strove to make the holidays so special. And missing all those who have passed and remembering them at this time of year is a natural inclination and something we cannot do much about.

In the 15 years since my mother has died I know my family and I have all been striving to make sense of what Christmas would be like without her.

This year for the first time I have begun to wonder when Christmas will become our own.

How long will the shadows of the past affect the vision of Christmas Present?

When will we enjoy our Holiday Seasons grounded only in our present needs?

I ask this question as much for you as I do for myself.

When will what we celebrate rest fully in what feels good and what is available, instead of some external expectation of what it should be.

Maybe you have already mastered this trick.

Perhaps my sister reached this place of nirvana this year, by serving our mother’s recipe for pizza in a low-key non-stressful way to her.

And maybe I simply need to find my own answer to this same question.

As David Sedaris points out the way we view the Holidays has everything to do with the stories we tell ourselves about them.

And I wish for you and for me too a New Year full of fond remembrances of the past but focused on the possibilities for the present that only letting the past go can provide.

May it be so.